Chart Readings #95
Hi friends,
Every week, we love reading the charts and questions you send in!
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Question #1
dear astropoets
thank you for your column. it brings me a sense of possibility to read these deep dives and your insights.
i am aquarius, but i generally don't feel that deep and emotional connection w air and fire signs. i feel my strongest connections — romantic, friendships, or otherwise have been with earth and water signs. i feel especially drawn to virgo and taurus placements.
i have been hung up on a virgo who was my person for 8 years, 5 years "romantically" and 3 years after that rebuilding our friendship/partnership. this relationship taught me how to love and be loved. what i cherish about us is how different we are and yet see each other so well. there was a lot of pain in our relationship on both ends but the relationship was full of genuine care for the other. i have never felt as seen in every way by someone. we spoke the same language. we made things together. our visions felt connected. our home was our studio where we played and experimented and felt so comfortably ours, not one or the others more. the virgo felt like i had met my match, or equal as people say. it wasn’t always a peaceful relationship but one where we could really measure growth throughout the years. it was also a relationship that never lacked joy/play/curiosity, no matter how dark some moments felt.
it ended abruptly, entirely on the virgo's terms. they haven't spoken to me in 2.5 years. i think about them every day and wonder when we will talk again. i've met and shared moments with other people (scorp with libra moon, cancer w gemini moon, taurus w cap moon, aries w scorp moon, sag w sag moon) but i'm not in a place to be with anyone right now. i don't think i've met the right people yet. but most of all i’m still not over the virgo. i’m always open to love in whatever way it shows up in my life, but obviously i can’t let go of the past.
i want to believe time isn't everything in a relationship, but i have difficulty with that. time is so important to me. i don't know how else i could really go there with someone without repetition and consistency, friendship. it takes me time to open up. i am a private person and although i have a full life with supportive friends and people i love dearly. i don't have a desire to share my deeper self with everyone. i used to think something was wrong w me, but i understand now, it's a personal preference.
i know i have the capacity to love someone but i dont know that i'll ever feel completely seen, the way i did with the virgo. when i was with them i felt like i was alone, not in a lonely way but that i wasn't performing or minimizing myself. i could really tell them anything, hard things. i could also be my full theatrical self, the person i was as a kid who nobody else knows except my parents and late grandma. i remember when we first met they told me "i liked you bc you were like me, you want things to be your way.” they were telling me they felt challenged by me. they were annoyed bc i was sometimes mean/bratty, but they were like that too.
i miss this person everyday. the story i tell myself is that we will be in each others lives again. i don't have an attachment to what our relationship looks like just as long as we can be a part of each other's lives in a real way. maybe it's a fantasy but i really believe in my dreams. we are talking all the time, and i feel like one day we will meet again in this world. we will make a life together. but i don’t wanna become one of those creatures waiting forever for something that’s truly dead.
it's been a while, and i'm beginning to accept it's out of my control. (i have tried reaching out a few times, the last time was in october 2022 and before that october 2021) they won't budge. i have written heartfelt letters, and i have written just a “hey how are you? Im thinking of you” type of email. now i feel it might just be beating a dead horse, or at worst, disrespecting their needs for space. i don't want to carry this pain (or hope) forever. i want to learn how to let go but don't know how. this grief is really weighing on my spirit. i don't know how to forgive myself for not being a better friend. even when i mentally know that i only had the consciousness of that moment. i couldn't learn the things i know now without having had this traumatic break.
what i've been working through is that people don't always say what they want or need. it’s confusing to me bc i try to. but my friends have told me that this is unique about me - saying what you want/don’t want so plainly. even though we had so many conversations about our relationship, and i felt we were on the same page, it appears we were not. it makes me really sad. like i couldn't have really been more honest or more intuitive. it's not that i didn't feel they had stronger feelings for me, its that i trusted their words. in my heart i felt it wasn't the right time for us to be together, and i thought they felt the same way. i should’ve known better than to continue to exist w them without being “together” which is what i knew in my heart they wanted. i also know i caused them a lot of grief just because i was not in a good place. and they were battling their own demons. but we consistently showed up for each other. i have no doubt of their love. even now. i dont think its a lack of love why they wont talk to me, i think it’s us seeing a situation in 2 different ways.
one thing i cling to is on the last day we saw each other, even through their anger they had said they hoped in the future we could build our home together. they weren't well mentally/emotionally. it felt like they were saying they needed time. but after that they sent me an email that said they were not making space in their life for me anymore. this email is what haunts me — feels so final. they said they would bring my stuff to me and never did which makes things feel unfinished. i know they are hurt and going thru it but after all this time i wish we could finally get to the bottom of things. to this day, i don't know what i did. i can feel i hurt them and i can feel what it could be, but i don't know what's really happening on their end. i have apologized for so many things and i’m truly at a loss. i know it’s not about me but why cant i let it go? It’s been so long that i can’t imagine they’re still holding onto this like i am. I don’t want to believe it but i often wonder if they’ve truly just moved on. And if they have, how? Did they erase me out of their life completely?
will we ever talk again? do they ever think of me? are they done with me forever? how can i move on while keeping a place for them in my heart?
thank u for reading this. i’ve been wanting to ask you for sometime but have been too afraid to hear the answer.
<3
a drowning aquarius
me
aqua sun
leo moon
leo rising
pisces venus
cap mercury
gemini mars
virgo
virgo moon
taurus rising
virgo venus
virgo mercury
gemini mars