Happy Virgo Season

The Virgo constellation

Virgos are vast fields of mint in the middle of the afternoon. They’re small leaves circling the window, somehow having made their way inside after the rain. Virgos are vintage clocks that can only be repaired by one person in a city of eleven million. They arrive many minutes early, before anyone has opened, and stay many late, long after everyone has left. Virgos are mountains and iron and green tents. Virgos are the one friend who is up past midnight, watching the fire and watching you sleep, writing something so true in their journal, even they won’t look back to read it. Even they are scared of what it says. Virgos are letters in cursive. Virgos are always not getting enough sleep. Virgos are keeping records of all of your records. Virgos are playing records with sounds that make you close your eyes and see trees. Virgos are typewriters from the twenties. Virgos are being in your twenties and not loving them because you worry (too much). Virgos are luxurious. Virgos are local and organic. Virgos are the caretakers we all desperately need. Welcome to Virgo season!


Texting with a Virgo

Impeccable grammar. Immaculate punctuation. Intense clarity. Virgos should receive an award for texting. Unless, of course, you’re fighting with them and it feels like you’re in court. I’m also not always in the mood for their banter about whatever self-improvement they’ve started. Usually they’ll drop this in on the sly, which is your cue to congratulate them (since their self-validation is nonexistent). They’re their own worst taskmaster. Virgos are very hard on themselves. And the terrifying day will come when you, too, get called on to make plans with a Virgo. Just say yes. Then tell them you’re going into a meeting so they can stop with the follow-ups.

Virgo sext

Virgo: If I finish work by 7 tonight, we could be having sex by 8:15.
You [scared]: Ok!

Existential Virgo

Virgo: Even if nothing matters, it’s still important to dust the top of the kitchen cabinets twice a week. It changes something.
You: Can you come do mine?

Virgo nostalgia

Virgo: I was just thinking about that time I came with you to get your hair cut and you didn’t know it but I saved a piece of your hair and put it in my “Memories from 2019” folder, color-coded blue for beautiful and labeled 3:15, the time of your haircut.
You [terrified]: Oh. That’s so . . . sweet.

Virgo making plans

Virgo: I’m just following up on my follow-up text from yesterday about dinner in 2074, on Monday at 8pm. I’ve sent you an invite for your calendar. Please let me know!
You [alarmed]: Got it!!

Glamorous Virgo

Virgo: Put all 69 of these organic cleaning products on my card! I deserve it!!!
Cashier: Are you…okay?

Passive-aggressive Virgo

Virgo: Per my last text, I’ll be in your neighborhood later tonight. I’m inquiring whether or not you’ll be free to see me, even if briefly. Regards!!! Your. Best. Friend. Who. Would. Die. For. You.
You: Honestly, I was just in the shower omg.

Intellectual Virgo

Virgo: This week’s New Yorker poem reminds me of you. I cut it out. I’ll give it to you next time.
You: Send me the link!?


The Virgo (a poem)

Wouldn’t it be you, in true precision
who will not let the season go?

Waiting for the perfect field
in which you’ll hide

your message for the Earth:
a wild green thread

tied loosely
around everyone you love

and wildly so
and wildly here

(although you’ll seldom say it).
Say it to the wind. The sun.

This moon who’s your companion.


Virgo Playlist

Aimee Mann, “Save Me”
John Cage, “4′33″”
Ludacris, “Move Bitch”
Buddy Holly, “Raining in My Heart”
Patsy Cline, “I Fall to Pieces”
Foxy Brown, “Get Me Home”
Amy Winehouse, “Just Friends”
LeAnn Rimes, “Blue”
Nick Jonas, “Jealous”
Beyoncé, “Upgrade U”


A Few Famous Virgos

Elizabeth I
Ludacris
Freddie Mercury
Kobe Bryant
Mary Shelley
B. B. King
Bill Murray
Prince Harry
Beyoncé
Mother Teresa